Steward Well

(Honestly) part of the blessing in being a stay at home mom, for me, is that I am not a morning person (soooo it’s rare we go anywhere very early.) This morning, however, I filled in as the mops coordinator at our church. My husband got the boys ready and brought them to the church when he came to work and they went to their mops class. 
As I was backing out of the drive way, Drake stood in the front windows to wave and mimicked every kiss blow and wave I gave to him. He looked like an 18 month version of himself. Passionately saying bye to me and throwing out some sad faces bc this isn’t our norm. My memories on Facebook today showed me his first steps 5 years ago. 
How is the human heart capable of sadness over our children growing AND AT THE SAME TIME pride and joy over our children growing!?!? I totally know that’s only a mix of emotions God sets within our hearts in order to appreciate His complex way of loving us with grace and mercy. 
I’m so sick and really exhausted but we managed to grab lunch at Cracker Barrel bc dad usually has lunch meetings and didn’t today. I will say, my heart pounds equally big time as I watch my husband raise and lead our boys. It was hot and I was tired and they asked to play and I plopped down in a rocking chair and my husband squatted right there and taught them how to play. 
Feeling the weight of expectations I put myself is deceptive and unworthy of sharing space in my heart with the grace of Christ. Walking in freedom that He guides and provides what we need to parent these children brings a new measure of the gospel and love each day to lavish on them and one another. 
Let go of the confusion (He doesn’t author confusion) and the overwhelmed feelings (because He is sufficient), and do whatever comes next in the day to be a good steward of His blessings:: relationships, possessions, and responsibilities. 

motherhood & the mundane.

mother’s day is this weekend. my 1 & 3 year old aren’t old enough to really be held accountable for a thoughtfully planned day. and mother’s day and father’s day are always on sunday. i wish someone in ministry had the final say on holidays sometime….because sundays are all out days of serving for ministers, pastors, clergy, volunteers, parents, anyone and everyone who plays a role in ministering and serving the Body.

as i scroll through facebook, there are oodles of posts, blogs, & pictures being shared. all very lovely and encouraging. i’ve seen a picture about treasuring the right now, i’ve read blogs about how it feels to not have a reason or mom to celebrate, or posts about wishing you were a mom to be celebrated (i’ve had those days after my miscarriage), or …………. for me…………it’s a first mother’s day for my mom to not have her mom here to take flowers and cards and candy to or for me to call. everyone has a very personal experience with mother’s day.

now that i’m a mother, i get it more. my nephew once asked my mom why they’re isn’t a “kid’s day”. i’m sure there was a prompt conversation about how EVERY day is kid’s day!

now that i’m a mother, i get the tension in our hearts between feeling so mundane and monotonous and feeling so in love and sacrificial.

just today, i’ve changed 5 diapers (3 of which were terribly disgusting), cleaned up and intentional potty accident, i’ve been on the receiving end of SEVERAL tantrums (in a few i was assaulted), have received demands all day which required calm, extensive teaching as to how we ask for things (because we haven’t taught them already?!?!), refresher courses for all on how the daily schedule runs (because we’re so surprised DAILY that it’s nap time again—see tantrum), i mean i could go on and on and all the mommas of littles in the trenches are speaking an amen.

and for glimmers of a second throughout the day, i hear my selfish heart say “what do you get recognized for?” i’m still in yoga pants and a huge tshirt. i haven’t done the dishes. i’ve made the tiniest dent in the laundry. i’ve put away tons of laundry. i’ve purged and organized. but really, the whole house is still a disaster. i’m trying.

but really, in the grand scheme of it all. i have to be responsible with what God’s given me. my marriage. our children. our home. our belongings. just be a good steward. More on that here.

there is a wide spread movement where i live for women staying home. more and more of my friends are staying home and it’s a sweet season to walk this journey with them. i love my friends who work and i love hearing their testimonies of how they work AND do all of the stuff i do during my days at home. if i could just manage to get my kids to not destroy the house while we’re home all day, i would have it made.

now that i’m a mother, i pay attention to other mommas. i take notes. what works for them? how do they discipline? how do they teach? how do they organize? how do they schedule? i ask for wisdom. i seek counsel. i ignore the haters (am i in the right generation to use that term?)

and every mom has the same battle. we know the Truth of the value of what we do….but we don’t feel it. there’s the foolish part of emotions, they don’t always speak Truth to us. but they are real. and they are meaningful to us when we’re in the trenches.

and it’s not how God works for us to say “pull yourself up by the boot straps” or to whisper to our hearts “get over it”.

for the rest of our lives, as mothers, we will battle “i feel like a failure” and “i know what i’m doing matters, it just doesn’t always feel like it.”

this is what i think on to draw me back to Truth when my flesh and heart fail me in the midst of emotions.

Colossians 3:23-24

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

23 Whatever you do, do your work [a]heartily, as for the Lord [b]rather than for men, 24 knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward [c]of the inheritance. It is the Lord Christ whom you serve.

 

i take myself back to the point. sometimes i literally start talking to my littles about Jesus because i absolutely know that matters and will help me FEEL like what i’m doing matters. we read a book about Jesus, we pray, we talk about Him, we sing songs about Him…whatever encourages my heart that we’re working their hearts towards salvation.

this also takes me to the point that i’m working heartily for the Lord, not the praises of men (which are hard, see my struggle here). my flesh may want to hear something extraordinary about myself, but ultimately the most extraordinary thing about me is my Lord. so washing dishes like i’m washing them for Him is going to make that task FEEL a little more important.

for my mental health, it always boils down to perspective. so that’s what i always ask Him for. perspective of my life through the filter of Truth. He always provides. and sometimes it comes in unusual forms–a 1 1/2 year old precious son who walks up behind me while i’m sitting on the floor and hugs me from behind.

i’m back on track for the day. joy supersedes circumstances.

Image

our mother’s day pic from last year…i may be more prepared this year with matching outfits, fixed hair, and a better hair do for myself. we’ll see….it IS on a sunday. our busiest day of the week 🙂 this was also the day we dedicated our family to raising Holt in a godly home 🙂 what a sweet mother’s day!